‘Fraidy Cat Takes the Stage- Reflections on Putting Myself “Out There”

Apr 23, 2021 | Art, Digital Art, Essay, gouache, pattern design, Reflections, Sketchbook, Surface Pattern Design, watercolor

The scissortail flycatcher, the blanket flower, and the Eastern redbud represent Oklahoma’s natural beauty. The sun image is a nod to our Native American heritage and represents hope.

Details of the Scissortail, Indian Blanketflowers, and Eastern Redbud.

I have gone to ground for the past month as I prepare for my very first live booth event! About a month ago I got the opportunity to participate in a one day outdoor event- and I leapt at the chance. Let me clarify this by stating that I leapt into it the same way I leap into a body of water knowing it will be cold. I held my breath and it felt a little as though I had stepped off a ledge when I clicked the “send” button.

It sounds foolish when I say that aloud. I can list hundreds of intimidating things I have embraced in my life- years on the stage, entering a strange high-school as a young substitute teacher time and again, teaching, earning my Shotokan brown belt, competing in karate tournaments, and birthing two babies. These are scary experiences, especially to the uninitiated. So I had to turn inward to ask “why the hesitation”?

Was I scared that I couldn’t “do it”? Nonsense. Like anything else, the act of showing up is a simple mechanical process of putting one foot in front of the other. And while the list of things I must accomplish in four weeks to prepare was long, by simply doing one thing and then moving on to the next, I knew it was manageable. So this could not be the cause of my faltering.

Was I afraid of what others would say or think? Sadly, there was a little truth in this. My HEAD knows my family and friends will encourage me and want me to do well. But there remains a small but VOCAL demon within that shouts at me. “They will think you are a delusional child. They are just patronizing you. They know that when you fall on your face you will give up this stupid charade and move on.” Insert the maniacal laugh of your choosing here.

But the fear of looking like the fool to my family was not the only thing holding me back. There was still something else- and I knew it was my fear of complete failure. What if NO ONE stopped at my booth? What if no one bought any of my art? What if I have been wasting my time? And that is where I stopped myself.

I had let something get in the way of my joy. When I sit down and create it comes from a place of joy, every time. I cannot think of a single time I have created from a space of sadness, loneliness, or anger. I admire artists who can harvest these raw emotions and the artists who use their canvas to expose the evils of the world and push for change. But my art journey thus far has remained an expression of joy, admiration, and awe. Allowing the fear of judgement into the arena ties my hands. How can I mine the joy if I am only concerned with how many people are following my Instagram, reading this blog, or liking my FB posts?

So I purposely set aside the social media and the paint. I picked up my pencil and sketchbook, I enrolled in some new online classes, and I immersed myself in the process of simply creating and learning. I LOVE learning. I am not the fastest learner and my retention sucks- but I love expanding my horizons. I have submitted to notion that whatever happens on May 8th, it does not determine my relationship to art. Only I can affect that. And if I crash and burn on May 8th, my family will not see a failure, but a woman who is committed, determined, and persistent. And I can think of no better lesson for my children.

I am still a little nervous about May 8, but I am a body in motion and I am hurtling towards May 8th with renewed vigor and enthusiasm. I am looking forward to seeing people and introducing my creative efforts to them. If you live in Tulsa and feel safe venturing out, I hope you will stop by my booth and say “Hello”. For information, check out this link- https://saltandsoulmarket.com/birthday-bash/.

The event is the Salt & Soul Birthday Bash and it will be at the Broken Arrow Brewing Company May 8 from 3pm-8pm. If you are still unfamiliar with Salt&Soul it is an online market featuring Oklahoma vendors. I have a shop there and after May 8 I will be loading new items into my shop as Salt&Soul exclusives- meaning they will not be listed here on my website but must be purchased through Salt&Soul.

Persist in joy, my friends.

In

The

Studio

Clowning in the Garden or Clownfish in Chrysanthemums. Watercolor.

This began as an exercise in painting chrysanthemums but the undulating petals morphed into anemones in my mind’s eye. Where there are anemones, there are clownfish. We have five bubble tipped anemones and two black and white clownfish at home. Little fish with big personalities!

Male purple finch in gouache from my watercolor sketchbook.

Vector artwork- the Tulsa Driller holding hops. This is a coaster design which I will debut on May 8.

Scissortail & Rose Rock Pattern w Black-02

Pattern created featuring the Oklahoma motifs. Another example of vector artwork.

Staying with the Oklahoma theme, I painted a vintage gas pump. Watercolor.

Free Range Memories on a Pandemically Modified Turkey-day

Dec 5, 2020 | Art, Digital Art, Essay, gouache, Reflections, Sketchbook, Surface Pattern Design, watercolor

For many, the holidays consist of a series of days marked by frenetic busy-ness and large doses of overstimulation. The long lists of gifts to buy, food to cook, rooms to clean and decorations to set out effectually become blinders, narrowing our vision to the tunneled exposure of the task at hand.

I wear such blinders more often than not, but this Thanksgiving the pandemic changed the narrative. There was still cooking to be done and the impending impact of Christmas to consider, but I began to examine my relationship to Thanksgiving, and in turn to the many other ritualized moments of our lives.

When I began to examine my reaction to a covid-altered Thanksgiving, I had to go back to the beginning. What was Thanksgiving to me? And only when I took Thanksgiving out of its present context could I begin to grasp my relationship to it.

For me Thanksgiving will always be at my Grandmother’s, with my Nanny, grandfather, parents, sister, and step-siblings. With women working together in the kitchen to bring together the last minute details and my dad grumbling about the green-bean casserole, again. It was red ice-cubes made of frozen Hawaiian Punch served with 7-Up. The grown-ups always ate at the kitchen table and the rest of us ate around a game table. This was my Rockwell-worthy Thanksgiving, and it could ONLY reside in the past.

This year we experienced our first Thanksgiving meal as a family of four at our own table. I set out my wedding china and crystal to commemorate the special occasion. I looked at my children, tall, self-aware, teetering on the brink of adulthood, and I wondered what their Rockwell-worthy Thanksgiving would look like when they too stood on the hill of mid-life looking back.

That’s the thing about memories; they surprise us. We can’t begin to know which moments will burn indelibly into our beings, becoming defining experiences against which all others are measured.

Psychedelic Poinsettias: An infinitely repeating pattern inspired by my childhood in the early 1970’s.

In the Studio

I have been bouncing around in the studio between small sketchbooks and larger canvases. I have smeared acrylic with my fingers, experimented with gouache, created digitally, and played in watercolor, of course.

I am addicted to the process of learning and am simultaneously working through an online perspective course, teaching myself how to create a website (thanks for hanging with me!), learning about gouache, and working through an online course to encourage a more intuitive creative process.

One of my small victories has been a long time coming- my own online shop. Currently I am offering greeting cards as I ease into this new adventure. I will be offering small prints in the near future as well. If you haven’t seen the shop, be sure to check it out by clicking on Shop in the Navigation menu.

Some of the season’s art experiences have found their way into my Society6 store- check out my Steampunk Snowmen, my Holiday Anglerfish, and the Psychedelic Poinsettias (Society6 in the Navigation menu).

And if you shop locally, I am excited to be a part of Salt and Soul- an online market in Tulsa featuring local goods, arts, and services.